guilt
by secretly sociopathic
Summary: All you think of when you close your eyes and kiss him is kissing his older brother. -YamatoHikari.


summary; "all you think of when you close your eyes and kiss him is kissing his older brother."  
series; digimon.  
pairing; yamatohikari. side of takeruhikari. i guess. kind of.  
notes; sorry not sorry yakari otp  
also first time writing digimon though i've been a fan of it for literally thirteen years i'm proud of me  
also also if someone wants to give me a better name i'd appreciate it i'm bad at titles

..

You walk down the halls with your boyfriend and you smile, just enough that he doesn't know what you're really looking at. Or should you say, who you're really looking at. At night you want to cry, and scream, and yell at yourself and everybody around you. But you don't, you just keep on smiling. You are the Child of Light, after all.

So how is it fair that you, Light, the one who is supposed to hold up moral standing and all that, have put yourself in the worst situation possible?

You sigh silently as you check him out, all the while holding your boyfriend's hand.

It's just not fair. You have a wonderful boyfriend, who loves you more then anything or anybody, who would do anything for you. You've been friends since you were eight or nine, you can't even remember at this point. He's been with you through thick and thin.

And yet, all you think of when you close your eyes and kiss him is kissing his older brother. What is _wrong_ with you, you want to scream, you have everything a girl could ever want and you fell for his brother?

The worst part about it is that he _knows_. He knows that you fantasize about him and he knows that you want him. And what does that jerk do?

He plays with you right back. He winks at you when you're hugging Takeru, he lingers his touch when he hugs you as a greeting, and he smiles one of _those_ smiles at you when you pass him in the halls at school. He knows and you love and hate it all at the same time.

Yamato brushes up against you in the hallway while you're walking with your boyfriend. Even in your head, the word feels dirty and tainted, like you don't deserve to call him that. You gasp hotly, a blush appearing on your face, praying all the while that your boyfriend doesn't notice.

..

You want to curse your brother in the middle of the hallway and you don't even care. You hold it in, as you are the Child of Hope, and therefore your hope in Hikari is ever present. But you know what she's been trying so desperately to hide from you.

You see the way he looks at her, whenever she walks into the room. How his eyes light up and he gets this little, dopey looking smile on his face. You see how his gaze seeks her out in every room, how he's constantly watching her. You see his eyes narrow when you hold her or kiss her, and how he goes out of his way to be close to her.

You see how she watches him right back with the same intensity, how her face heats up when he brushes against her. You see how her eyes follow him through the crowds at school, how they always seem to rest on him. You know what she's picturing when she kisses you; you know what name she calls out in her dreams.

Hell, you've heard it happen once yourself, when she fell asleep on your couch one Saturday night.

You wish she would just be honest with you. You wouldn't even be that mad if she were honest. If Hikari came up to you one day, said, "Takeru, I can't see you anymore, I'm madly in love with your older brother and I'm sorry" you would just let her go. You don't want to see Hikari upset or sad, or wanting something she can't have. You may love her, but that doesn't mean she has to love you back. First and foremost you are her _friend_, you think vehemently.

You just wish one of you had the guts to break up with the other.

..

You're walking in the halls when you see her, hand in hand with your kid brother. Though you know she's the same age as him, you can't think of her as a kid like you can with Takeru. You can think of her front and center at one of your shows, as you sing one of the many songs you've written with her in mind. You can think of her, skin against skin, screaming out your name. You can think of her tucked under your arm watching your favorite movie. But whatever you do, Hikari Yagami cannot go back to being Taichi's kid sister anymore.

You don't know when it started happening. You don't know when she went from Kari to Hikari.

At least she thinks of you the same way. You can tell. You play these little games, and she plays along. You wink, she blushes. She seeks out your touch, asks for a hug, you linger a second longer. You always sit where you can see each other if you so happen to be in the same room. You like to think you're being sneaky about it, but you know you're not.

You're the Child of Friendship, you know other people's emotions better then your _own_ sometimes. After your first time saving the world and your anger smoothed itself out, anyway.

And unfortunately, that means that you know that your baby brother Takeru knows that you've got a thing for his first girlfriend.

Well, you muse, at least Taichi doesn't know.

..

notes; okay yup that sucked but whatEVER i tried that's what counts  
**edit; i added in italics and changed a couple of sentences. nothing major, but just in case someone read this and noticed some differences.**


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